Why You Keep Attracting the Same Type – and How to Break the Cycle

Have you ever noticed that certain relationships feel natural and fulfilling, while others lead to drama or emotional disconnection? Yet, you’re unsure why. A key factor in this dynamic is Attachment Theory—a fundamental concept in psychology that explains the nature of emotional bonds between humans.

In simple terms, our attachment style is shaped by early experiences with our parents or caregivers. This foundation influences how we form and navigate romantic relationships, categorizing attachment behaviours into Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized styles.

By understanding your dominant attachment style, you may gain insight into why past relationships thrived or failed, as well as why you’re drawn to certain relationship patterns. It’s important to note that these styles don’t define a specific "type" of person, but rather ongoing attachment behaviours that shape how we connect with others. Secure Attachment

"I don’t fear being alone or getting too close. I’m comfortable depending on my partner and building relationships."

A secure woman is confident, independent, and sets clear boundaries while showing affection. She values honesty, support, and emotional connection without needing constant reassurance. Loyal and trustworthy, she can handle rejection and move forward despite the pain.

This is the ideal attachment style—and the good news? Over 50% of people have it! Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment

This woman craves constant reassurance, struggles with trust, and fears being alone. She may check social media obsessively, overanalyse interactions, and rely on her partner for self-worth. Her anxiety leads to emotional, impulsive behaviour, often pushing people away despite longing for love and security.

Nobody likes to admit to being this way—but chances are, you’ve felt it at some point. Avoidant – Dismissive Attachment

Meet the commitment-phobe—Miss “I don’t have time for a relationship.” Avoidant attachment types value independence, resist intimacy, and feel suffocated when someone tries to get too close. They’re highly self-sufficient, emotionally detached, and quick to rationalize their way out of relationships.

This type avoids commitment by maintaining a lifestyle that prioritizes personal freedom over emotional connection. With a strong self-image but a distrust of others, they fear reliance on anyone and keep their distance. They always have an exit plan and a reason why things won’t work out.

Ladies, take note: This is often seen in men—he’s the one who keeps you at arm’s length, prefers work or nights out with the boys, and pulls away when things get too serious. High on avoidance, low on emotional closeness—sound familiar? Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment

“I want love, but I’m afraid of getting hurt.”

This attachment style is a mix of intimacy fears, trust issues, and emotional ups and downs. Struggling with closeness, they often push people away while craving connection. They tend to isolate themselves, have negative self-perceptions, and may end up in toxic relationships.

This is the least common attachment type, often rooted in childhood trauma, neglect, or other struggles like depression or substance abuse. Maintaining relationships is challenging, as fear and insecurity drive their actions.

We all have a dominant attachment style, with traces of the others mixed in. But what’s yours?

One man’s “crazy” is another man’s calm and secure—same woman, same behaviours, just a different relationship dynamic. How you interact in a relationship is shaped by your attachment style and personality traits, influencing the overall connection between you and your partner.

Now, let’s dive into relationship dynamics. Secure types can build healthy relationships with anyone because they are confident, balanced, and adaptable. They provide avoidants with space and anxious partners with reassurance.

Anxious and avoidant types, on the other hand, are often drawn to each other. Avoidants push people away, while anxious types persist, hoping to break through their walls.

Take an anxious woman and an avoidant man: A secure woman would recognize his emotional distance, accept it, and move on. But an anxious woman, instead of walking away, doubles down—chasing the connection and holding on despite his resistance. This creates the classic "push-pull" or "chaser-chasee" dynamic. While not ideal, it feels familiar and even necessary for these attachment styles.

Fearful-avoidants tend to date each other, creating complicated relationships. They may also end up with anxious or avoidant partners, but rarely with secure types—who typically walk away from the instability.

Understanding your attachment style helps you recognize when your reactions stem from fear rather than reality, allowing you to break unhealthy patterns and form stronger connections. Life experiences can shape and influence attachment behaviours over time. Remember, we're talking about patterns of behaviour, not fixed personality traits. For example, a woman with an anxious attachment style may develop a secure attachment after marriage. However, if the marriage ends or she experiences betrayal, she might revert to anxious tendencies or even become avoidant, fearing intimacy and emotional pain.

While most people maintain the same attachment style throughout their lives, change is possible. Therapy, self-reflection, and surrounding yourself with secure partners can help shift attachment patterns.

This is why taking time between relationships to understand yourself is so important—it allows you to recognise and reshape the way you connect with others.

Love is love, this article may use female/male pronouns however the advice applies to all sexual orientations and gender identities.

#realtionships #relationshipadvice #attachment

If you want to do some research you can google: Bowlby and Ainsworth: The History and Psychology of Attachment Theory, The Harlow Experiments or Erik Erikson psychosocial development. John Bowlby is the legend of attachment theory and his mate Mary Ainsworth. You could also check out Psychologists Bartholomew and Horowitz hypothesized model.  Whatever tickles your interest.